Why We Keep Repeating the Same Relationship Patterns
- David Cervera
- Oct 22
- 2 min read
Do you find yourself repeating the same arguments with your partner, getting into similar conflicts with friends or family, or letting people treat you in ways that frustrate or hurt you? Or maybe you avoid conflict altogether?
If so, you’re not alone. Many people seeking therapy for relationships notice these patterns, and almost every client I work with has struggled with them at some point.
So why do we keep repeating the same patterns, even when we desperately want things to be different?
At a basic level, repeated patterns in relationships are often influenced by:
How our parents or primary caregivers modelled relationships
Our sense of self-worth
Our underlying fears
Much of my work on relationships with clients in therapy involves exploring one or more of these areas to create lasting change.
1. How Our Childhood Shapes Adult Relationships
Our childhood development plays a huge role in who we become as adults and how we interact in different types of relationships; whether romantic, platonic, professional, or familial.
Attachment style, which I’ll explore in a future post, significantly affects how we push and pull in relationships, and what drives our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.
You may have heard of ‘fight or flight,’ but ‘freeze’ and especially ‘fawn’ come up frequently in my therapeutic work. Many clients find themselves people-pleasing or fawning to prevent conflict or repair relationships quickly. Does that sound familiar?
Often, our parents never modelled healthy conflict resolution - or “rupture and repair” - in their own relationships. They may have fought constantly, or avoided conflict altogether. As a result, when we face challenging relationship scenarios, we often gravitate toward the easiest or most familiar solution, even if it doesn’t serve us.
2. Self-Worth and Relationship Patterns
How we value ourselves - and the beliefs we’ve internalised about our worth - deeply affects how we relate to others.
If you were taught to respect authority without question, or to suppress your feelings to avoid punishment, it’s understandable that you might tolerate inappropriate behaviour from a boss, partner, or friend.
Similarly, many clients hesitate to confront their partner or loved ones because of fear: fear that they might be abandoned, rejected, or that the other person can’t handle their emotions.
In therapy, we explore these fears and self-worth challenges, helping you respond in ways that feel safe, assertive, and authentic. Over time, this can help break the cycle of repeating patterns.
Why Therapy Can Help
Therapy for relationships isn’t just for couples - it’s for anyone struggling with recurring patterns in their connections with parents, partners, friends, colleagues, or bosses.
Through reflection, insight, and practical tools, therapy can help you:
Understand the roots of your relationship patterns
Build healthier boundaries
Communicate more effectively
Feel more confident in your relationships
If you’re ready to break the cycle and create more fulfilling connections, talking therapy can help you get there.
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